The Brown Eyes 👁️👁️
In a previous blog post, I spoke about mortification and how my most memorable event happened when I was 15. Like I said in that post, 15 was a time of All The Feelings. I mean, it usually is, right?
High school was hard for me. I am pretty sure I had undiagnosed social anxiety to go with all the regular teenage feelings. I never felt like I fit in and sometimes just the thought of having to go to class and face people was paralyzing. I was also very overweight and that was another thing that kept me from feeling like I fit in. I was picked on a lot. High school really kind of sucked.
You know how when things are going wrong in your life you sometimes latch onto something and, even if it's improbable, you think, "If only (fill in the blank), then everything would be better!" My short, fat, brown-haired, brown-eyed anxious self was sure that life would magically become better if only I could transform into a tall, skinny, blue-eyed blonde. Why would I think that? Because TV, movies and magazines made it seem so. (This was the 80s - thank goodness I also didn't have social media reinforcing that!) Also, I was 15. One is not entirely reasonable at that age.
I remember having a particularly trying day and running off to my bedroom, probably to cry. My mom came in to talk to me and asked me what was wrong. I wasn't going to say anything and then it just all started pouring out. So-and-so was mean, the teachers were unfair, my clothes weren't right. The litany went on and on because voicing one thing just led to me thinking about everything else that I thought was wrong. I was working myself up into a right fit when I finished with the ultimate grievance of everything that was wrong in my life: "And my eyes are brown!"
And, bless my mom, she had been sitting there listening to my outpouring with concern and empathy but when I came out with that she just started laughing. And, as soon as I heard myself say the words out loud that were part of what I had been thinking in my head for so long, I realized how ridiculous they sounded. We had a good laugh together, she hugged me and things in that moment were OK.
That became a catchphrase for us, even after I became an adult, for when a day was really bad. I can remember more than once telling her about a bad day I was having and her asking, "But are your eyes brown?" And that would always bring some levity to the situation. My mom's been gone for over 20 years now but sometimes when I'm having a really bad day I can hear her asking me that and it's bittersweet but also comforting.
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